


It's What we do

by Rebekah_Zellers



Category: NCIS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-22
Updated: 2018-09-22
Packaged: 2019-07-15 09:13:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16060034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rebekah_Zellers/pseuds/Rebekah_Zellers
Summary: Post Aliyah ... From GIbbs' POV





	It's What we do

The plane ride from Tel-Aviv back to Washington was long and turbulent. No matter how much he was bounced around, Tony didn’t complain. He sat stoically next to Vance, enduring the pain that he was feeling throughout his body. My gut churns with worry and I am feeling a little bit of pride; he did well today.

The trip from the airstrip back to NCIS is quiet, Tony doesn’t say a word. His mind is whirling; I can see it not only in his eyes, but in his posture; I can hear it in his silence. I never doubted him through the whole ordeal with Rivkin and Ziva; my trust in him never wavered. He doubts himself; carries the guilt; the grief around like it’s a weight around his ankles pulling him down. I need to find a way to get through to him some way, somehow, but how do you push through that intensity of emotion.

It suddenly occurs to me that I have heard several references to the fact that it should have been Tony that died instead of Rivkin. I’m left with a heavy heart at how little value he feels his life holds. This man has been on my six since the day I hired him; he’s saved my life on several occasions. He has done so much good in this world; left his mark. How do you make someone so broken see how much they have done?  
The more I think about the last couple of years, I realize that Tony’s taken an emotional beating. DiNozzo is a tough kid, always bounces back or maybe that’s just the front he puts on for my benefit. There are times to let a man come to terms with things on his own; to find his way through the pain and grief. Today, isn’t one of those days for DiNozzo. I will stand by him; I will be there to help him pick himself up and dust himself off. I will be there to lock the pieces into place and help him heal.

Rummaging through my medicine cabinet looking for the pain killers I was given when I hurt my hand and eye. I know Tony well enough to know that he didn’t fill the prescriptions the doctor gave him. Instead, he will use the pain as a way to distract himself from the issues. Distraction doesn’t bring rest nor does it bring healing so I will do everything that I can to give him relief from the physical pain and help him to strive for some emotional clarity so that his healing can come full circle.

To do that, I will need to take care of him so I pack an overnight bag and head out. Tony’s my responsibility to take care of. He’s my agent, my friend, and my surrogate son; I owe this to him.

I make a stop to get enough groceries to get us through a week; there is more to caring for him than just making him take his medicine and tucking him into bed. I will offer the comforts of home so that he will rest, heal and open up to me.  
I take the time to make two trips up the stairs with the contents of my car and then softly knock; I have my key in case he doesn’t answer. Tony’s car is there but that doesn’t mean anything since he’s not able to drive due to his injury.

 

When Tony comes to the door, I study him for a full minute; he’s exhausted and broken. I notice he’s still in the same suit that he’s been in for days; then it hits me; he’s probably having problems getting the sling off without causing himself a great deal of pain. I hand him a couple of the lighter grocery bags which he can carry in his good hand and proceed to bring everything into his apartment.  
“Boss, what are you doing here?” Tony asks, his voice reflects his weariness; his bone tired and in need of some TLC. All I can do at this point is pray that I don’t screw things up.

“Looking after you,” I reply trying to keep it simple, there is no need to scare him. He seems to ponder that for a minute before going back into the living room to watch TV. He’s quiet; too quiet. I really miss the animated younger man that has worked by my side for years.

With the groceries put away, I put my overnight bag behind the couch so it is out of the way. Fishing in the front pocket, I take out the pain killers and slip them into my pocket. I walk back into the kitchen and make us some soup.  
Walking into the living room, I notice how blank Tony’s stare is. I softly call his name but he doesn’t seem to hear me so instead I walk back into the kitchen and get the tray from the top of the refrigerator. Carefully, I place the soup and our drinks in there and proceed back to where I left Tony.

“DiNozzo, eat something.” I bark softly, trying to break through his pain for a moment.

“Sorry boss, I guess I zoned out for a bit.” Tony said giving me a halfhearted smile.

Placing the tray on his lap, I hand him the spoon and wait to see if he’s going to be able to manage. He starts eating like it is his first meal in days and I realize that it is, I want to kick myself. I watch him closely; I am waiting for the emotions he’s struggling to keep under control to ruin his meal. I don’t have to wait long, I see the nausea wash over him and hurry to move the tray.

Tony goes to the kitchen sink; I follow behind him supporting his shoulder as he empties his stomach. He’s shaking and I am powerless to do anything that will help. Instead of saying something stupid, I just rub soothing circles on his back, waiting until he’s ready to move away from the sink.

“It should have been me,” he whispers. He turns his face to look at me and I see the sadness, fear and anger all flashing in his eyes. “I should have died instead of Rivkin,” Tony’s voice shakes as he admits to me what he’s thinking and feeling.  
“DiNozzo,” my voice comes out almost as if I am warning him.  
“I deserve to die, Gibbs.” He’s tired, I know that, but I want to explore these feelings a little more. I need to do this for him, it’s eating at him.

“Why do you think you deserve to die, Tony?” I place my hand under his chin and guide his face so that he is looking me in the eye.

“For them,” Tony’s voice cracks, but he refuses to give into the tears. Instead, he moves past me and heads to the bathroom. I hear the water start and wonder how he’s going to get out of the sling without hurting himself. It’s not long until he appears in the doorway, a look of defeat on his face.  
“Boss, Gibbs…. Could you help me?” He looks ashamed as he speaks. I grab the bottle of pain killers and a fresh bottle of water and follow him to the bathroom.

Uncapping the water, I set it on the sink and take out two pain pills. I hand them to Tony and watch until he puts them in his mouth before offering him the bottle of water. The lines of pain are deeply etched on his face; I mentally berate myself for not insisting he take them sooner.

Carefully, we get the sling off and manage somehow to get Tony into the shower. While he’s getting cleaned up, I turn back the covers on the bed and find something for him to put on after he’s out. He needs sleep, tomorrow we’ll talk.  
Once he’s out and dressed, I steer him towards the bed. He looks at me like he may argue for a minute, but instead moves to lie down. I stop him long enough to get the sling back on then I help him get situated and cover him up.

“I didn’t take you for the tucking in type, boss.” Tony murmurs, his voice is already thick from medication and exhaustion.

“Only for you, Tony. Only for you.” I whisper as I run my hand gently over his hair trying to soothe him to sleep. I can’t help but smile when my efforts are rewarded with the soft sounds of sleep, he’s finally getting the first peaceful moments he’s seen in days.  
Quietly, I clean up the kitchen and make up a bed on the couch. Tony needs someone to keep an eye on him for a couple days. I’ll have Ducky check him over in the morning; he’s run down physically on top of everything else. I don’t think he realizes how much I worry about his health. The memories of him under the blue lights battling for his next breath fill my dreams at times, just like the knife embedded in Ducky’s palm does.

Just as I am turning off the lights, I hear some soft whimpering coming from the bedroom. I quietly make my way to Tony’s side to see if I can soothe him without waking him. What I find just about breaks my heart; I am on the verge of tears.

Tony is crying in his sleep, he’s whispering over and over again how sorry he is. I can’t let him go on like this; I take a seat beside him and gently grasp his hand. “Tony,” I call to him softly. I’m afraid if I startle him he’ll hurt his arm even more.

“What are you sorry for,” I ask trying to get him to talk to me even if it is in a sleep induced haze.

“Because they died instead of me,” Tony’s voice sounds broken.

“Who, DiNozzo, who died instead of you?” I grasp his hand a little harder hoping to make him respond.

“All of them,” Tony whispers. “Kate, Paula, Jenny… It should have been me; why wasn’t it me.”

“Oh Tony,” I manage to get out trying to think of the right words to say.

“If I didn’t hurt them like Jeanne and Ziva, I got them killed.” Tony’s hand is shaking as he rubs it over his head while he speaks.

“It isn’t your fault.” I say sternly. The tone of my voice causes him to look up at me.

“Ari killed Kate, not you. Paula died in the line of duty, you couldn’t have stopped that. Jenny died to protect me; I should have died instead of her not you.” I tip his chin with my finger to make him look at me.

“I loved Jeanne with all my heart, I hurt her.” Tony whispered.

“Not your fault,” I grunt. “Jenny set you both up; you couldn’t help falling in love.”  
“Do you think she’s okay?” Tony questioned.  
“I think the time has done wonders for her,” my answer seems to connect with something going through his head and he allows himself to relax a little.

“I miss her,” Tony takes a deep breath. “Why couldn’t she just trust me?”

“That’s not who she is,” I reply. “That’s not who she was trained to be; she’s Mossad.”

“She made you choose between us, didn’t she?” Tony asks me and I can’t lie.

“Yes, she did. I chose you, Tony. I don’t regret my decision for a minute, I never will.” I’m honest; he needs that from me right now. He looks at me with an uncertainty, but says nothing, he just squeezes my hand. “She betrayed our trust; there is no room on our team for that.”

“Boss, do you ever question why?” Tony’s question comes from his heart; it’s filled with a great deal of love and sincerity.

“I still do, Tony.” My answer seems to spark something in him and I wait to see where it goes.

“Guess it wasn’t your time, boss.” He snuggles back down in the bed; a yawn escapes him as he’s able to relax again.  
“Tony, will you do something for me,” I ask him to try to figure out the words that are to come next.

“Anything boss.” He’s so trusting when he answers me. I don’t deserve the trust he has in me, but for now, I will use it to help get him through.

“Let me help you let it go,” my statement catches him off guard, I can tell.

“Don’t make the same mistakes I did, Tony. Learn from them.” I pull the blankets up and tuck him back in. I watch as he starts to doze off, but soon see his green eyes staring at me.  
I reach over to the pill bottle on the nightstand and get another one out. I give him the pain medicine and hold the water to lips so that he can get the pill down. He didn’t argue with me so I know he’s hurting, but he still continues to stare.

“What’s wrong,” I ask not sure why he’s not taking his eyes off of me.

“How did you know,” he asks the curiosity makes his eyes bright.

“We’re family,” I explain. “It’s what we do.”

“Yeah,” Tony smiles as his body relaxes and sleep claimed him.

“It’s just what we do,” I whisper as I watch him sleep safe in the knowledge that he’s beginning to heal.


End file.
